LPC 14 Medley
(Ring) Crime desk. What can I do for you? (LPC Sound effects) Yeah, I’m calling from Radio Shack, can I talk to the gentleman of the house? From Radio Shack dot com. Yeah, what about it. Yeah, I got a, uh, triangular printer that’s brand new. It’s a triangle, and it’s prismatic, and I wanted to talk to you about it, it’s on special. It’s at Radio Shack dot com. Do you know you’re either jacked up on marijuana or pot? And I just traced your number, you son of a bitch. (heavily distorted) Woooooooww! (hang up sound) - (Ring) Hey what’s good? Hey, this is Brent. What’s up? (Belchy sound effects) Who’s this? I’m Brent Bump. Who da fuck is this? My name’s Brent Bump. Fixing to lift some frickin’ weights up ‘ere. Man, you gonna fuckin’ talk right. I can’t hear shit homie. I’m gonna start out liftin’ 25 pounds ‘bout 80 times. Then I’m gonna lift 75 pounds about 200 times. (Sound effects). Then I’m gonna lift 200 pounds about 50 times. Man, I don’t give a fuck what you’re about to do. My body’s gonna get so pumped up, I’m gonna bounce… N*gga, I give no fucks homie. Shut the fuck up. I’m gonna bounce you off… - (Ring) What? Yo man, I'm gonna get pumped up and bump you around a little bit. (sound effects) Nigga, what the fuck you talking about, shut your bitch ass up, nigga. I'm gonna bump you-''' I don't know who the fuck this is. 'I'm gonna bump you on to the ground and I'm gonna lift 200 pounds. (sound effects) Alright. I'm gonna pick you up-' Nigga shut your ass up, haha. '''I'm gonna throw you down, you got me? Nigga who the fuck is this, nigga? My last name's Bump, and I'm fixing to pick you up and put you down about 75 times. (sound effects) Bro shut your bitch ass up, nigga, I don't know who the fuck this is. I'm gonna grab hold of you and shake you around. So shut your ass up, go call someone else. Go call someone else, nigga. (Ring) What's up? Hey man, you ready to feel my grip? What?? I'm gonna grip hold of you and pick you up about 80 times, up down up down. Bro, shut your bitch ass up, nigga. I ain't about to fuckin answer your calls, nigga, you annoying as fuck, shut your ass up. I'm gonna pick you up, down, up, down 75 times. (sound effects) You dumbass nigga, man. I'm gonna bump you up and put you back down. -- (Ring) Hello? I'm Haywood, with Food and Friends. How are ya today, sir? (sound effects). What?!? I'm Haywood, with Food and Friends grocery store. How are ya today, sir? (Strange music plays) I'm fine... Well good. I've got some food right here. What? Excuse me? It's just a promotion, sir. Uh, wanted to let ya know that uh... I don't want to hear about it, okay? The only promotions I'm interested is my g...you know what? Who, who, who are you again? (Strange music plays) Uhhhhh, you want to get a pen this time, jot it down? My name's Haywood, okay? (Strange music plays). Are you getting cute with me? Oh. (LPC sings over strange music) How are you today? I would like to hear you say. How are you today? I would like to hear you say. FUCK!!!!! (Strange music suddenly increases in pitch) Why do you let these people call? (LPC sings over strange music) I would like to say... FUCK!! (LPC sings over strange music) You are not doing very good today. (Sings gibberish for a bit). I'm by the entrance, here at Food and Friends. We're gonna be looking for some real candid responses about your weight, any odors you might have, and so forth, okay? So if you've got a gumball in your mouth... I don't know who you are. I don't know where you're from. I don't know how you got this FUCKING NUMBER, BUT IF YOU EVER SHOW UP AT MY FUCKING HOUSE, I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!!!! (High pitched sound effect) If you've got a gumball in your mouth, just spit it out. This is time to make your voice count. Just skip the mushmouth business, okay guy? Now... Who, who are, who THE FUCK, who, who are you? Oh, uh, another thing, check out our insert in Hustler magazine this month, for our seven, eight and nine inch fingerling potatoes, okay? No. No. No. Just leave me alone. This promotion is just heating up back here. So peel 'em back, load 'em up and just lick your lips, alright? Grip hold of our goodies like there's no tomorrow. And remember, our sale price is firm, real firm. (sound effects) You got me? Alright. (sound effects) And over in aisle nine here at Food and Friends, we got our compost heap fired up... Oh! ...ready to go. We need everybody to step up to the plate, just dump your cabbage and your squash in the aisle, and get hopping up and down. (sound effects) Just mush your mulch... Are, are, are you still talking to me? ...right into the ground. Just smoosh your goop all up and down. Wait, who are you?!? We got... Who are you?!? Hello?! We got people leaping up and down. We got people leaping all around. (Sound effects) And we got a fractal cactus. We got a holistic medicine man on premise, he'll get with ya a little bit later. Well I, I don't, I don't, I don't know, but listen... Yeah. I'm sorry, okay? I'll buy it, and whatever you want, however much, just please just leave me alone. Okay, and just remember, the top of the guacamole is by far the creamiest. Okay, you go digging around any deeper than that, things get a lot chunkier and much, much chewier down there. Your chip won't fit, the thing will break off on ya you know if you... Yeah, yeah, I want it. ...go poking around down there. I want, please, give me the guacamole, and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!! (Strange music plays) Mister Haywood, I am gonna crack you in two. Okay? Like a two by four. Okay? Like a fucking stump that a wood person cuts with an axe. YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD! (music continues) (Hang up sound) -- (Radio station recording) 630 KHOW, an I Heart Radio station. Hi Tom Martino here, welcome. 303-713-TALK. 713-8255. Grover's got a comment on that Rocky Mountain painting and the door jamb, with that woman. What's your comment there, Grover? (LPC distorted vocals) This lady had a house? She owned a house, she said. How do people like that get a house? (Laughs) What? She's so mealy-mouthed, I couldn't believe it. So, what, would, would you feel she was, like what? Nitpicking? She was on the air for two days 'Oh, this guy's ripping me off, but I don't want you to talk to him. Be nice to him. Well, maybe I should talk to my dad, I don't know.' (LPC sound effects increase) (Other radio host) Yeah, I missed that yesterday, she goes 'If I put him on the phone, just don't yell at him'. (Tom Martino) Oh, I see. (LPC sound effects) Thank you Grover. Dan? Wow. Dan, what's happening? Dan? I don't hear Dan, so I'm just gonna go (female radio voice "Oh Shucks") to Skipper. What's going on with your cell phone? (LPC) Hi, I bought a cell phone new at the shop at Colfax and Potomac, right off Potomac there... Now, you bought a new cell phone? very seldom do people just buy a cell phone, they usually sign up with a carrier. Now was this a store, ah, a carrier, or ju, or just buying the phone? It was a store called Big Mama's, I just bought the phone outright, it's a Motorola. Okay, and what kind of phone? Motorola Z-force. Z-force? Is it an older one, or is it one of the newer ones? It's one of the newer ones, and I'm hearing voices, and beeping, and crazy sounds. And when I call them, they say they're not responsible for the learning curve of the end user, but that's not what it's about... Now, this was a brand new, this was a brand new phone, right? Yeah. Okay. And what carrier do you have? AT and T. And it's going crazy, it's making noises and sounds, and it's freaking out, the phone is. Really? And, and, and how are you at tech, at technology? Are you pretty good? (LPC deepens and distorts voice) I don't know what's going on with this phone. I don't know at all. I'm alright. Ahhhhh, you joking, you're joking me, bud. Huh? No. Come on, you, you just did that with your voice. How'd you do that? Big Mama's, is the one who sold it to me. Do it again, do it again Skipper, make your voice go slow again. Big Mama's is the one who sold it to me. Make it go slower. How do you do that? (Very low pitch) I don't know what you're talking about. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Do you, Skipper, do you have a synthesizer? (LPC sound effects continue on laughing) It's this phone. That is so cool. I'm telling you, this phone is wacked out. Skipper, Skipper, let me know how you're doing that, I want that for my phone, how are you doing it? It's wacked out something fierce, I can tell you that right now. (LPC effects) It's this phone. What is the name of the app you're using? (LPC sound effects increase) I went to Big Mama's, on Potomac... (Laughs) I want to know the name of that app. Big Mama's. (SFX) Get it out of him Daphne. (LPC SFX continue) Try to find out what app he uses to do that, that voice stuff. I like that. I imagine there's a number of them. I'm looking up Z-Force, Motorola, I don't even see one. Oh, yeah, I see one. There actually is one, but I thought, he's not for real, he doesn't have a problem. That is pretty cool, though. (click) (ring) Incomplete transcription 8:45 - 12:24 (End of track) has not yet been transcribed.